Saturday, March 30, 2013

Pre Easter Musings

When I take the time to actually contemplate my religious views and how I follow through on them, sometimes I think I really stink at it.

I'm supposed to be helping the poor, feeding the hungry, comforting the brokenhearted. What am I doing? Spending hundreds of bucks to host an Easter lunch for my friends. Getting a mani. Buying things I don't need. Worrying about my weight.

I read an article my friend posted on Facebook and it really got me thinking. It was about the new Pope and how he washed the feet of a Muslim woman in prison, just like how Jesus washed the feet of his disciples a few days before he was crucified. It's the ultimate in humility and service.

I have a good life, a life many would be envy (at least on the surface), and by many accounts I've achieved many of the dreams I had when I was younger. So why does it feel hollow?

It doesn't always feel hollow. Most of the time I'm too busy for self reflection, so it doesn't feel like anything at all except one long drag race to get the most pressing task out of my way so I can get on to the next and the next and the next. I spend an hour in the car on my commute in the morning, 9 hours at the office, then another hour getting home, then I have just enough time to crash on the sofa till I work up the energy to make dinner for my husband and me, eat it in front of the tv, go to bed and read for half an hour then go to sleep so I can get up and do it again the next day.

I know what I'm supposed to do. Leave my net and follow Him. There are many reasons why I can't, or at least why I think I can't...not right now. The student loans, the car payment, the career opportunity that might be right around the corner if I just hang on a little longer...

There's a delicious smell of strawberry cake baking in my oven. I just peeked at it and it's rising nicely in a beautiful Bundt pan I got as a wedding present last week. Easter is supposed to be about Jesus rising, and instead my cake rising is what's on the forefront of my mind.

Lord help me, I'm a mess.